Looking to re-sell a dying industry to the uninitiated by making it light pink?
Perfect.
You’ve come to the right place.
Below you’ll find the quickest route to profitability - just fill in the required fields.
Mission Statement Worksheet for Millennial-Targeted Startups
( GRATUITOUSLY CASUAL OPENING: YO / SUP / OH, HEY )
We're an exciting new company called…
( VAGUELY PERTINENT ROOT TERM AND THE WEAKEST POSSIBLE SUFFIX: NOODLE-R / PANTS-IFY / BOOK-LE ),
and we're on a mission to…
( DISRUPT / INSIST WE INVENTED )
the
( CATEGORY TOO SMALL TO BE CONSIDERED AN INDUSTRY )
industry!
But maybe you're wondering, “what's so unique about this company, particularly in such an overcrowded marketplace?” Well, we take the antiquated business model of our competitors and turn it completely on its ear by changing one key element…
( PREVIOUS AFFORDABILITY / TYPEFACE ).
Though we are a community of dreamers, doers, and thinkers, we are also storytellers. We are so excited to share our journey with you by spending
( NUMBER BETWEEN 87 AND 96 )
percent of our VC funding on subway ad-space, focusing primarily on the
( NEW YORK SUBWAY LINES STARTING WITH THE LETTER, “L” )
trains.
Through this ambitious launch campaign, we'll encourage countless future customers to ask,
“( WAIT, WHAT? / SO I... SUBSCRIBE TO PANTS? / IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A PENIS? )”
And we couldn't be more proud of that. There's nothing more important to us than starting an honest conversation.
But when everything is said and done, our mission remains clear. Simply put, we want to make the world's finest
( SUSTAINABLE / RISK-FREE / FARM-TO-TABLE / RENT-TO-OWN / RENT-TO-OWE / HIGH THREADCOUNT / LITERATI-BLURBED / 87% SIRLOIN )
( BIKE INSURANCE / AMATEUR LEGAL COUNSEL / ENDEARINGLY BAD FRUIT / SUSPICIOUSLY GOOD FRUIT / HARD SELTZER MEAL REPLACEMENT / LUXURY TEETH / SCANDI-MINIMALIST PET COFFINS / UP-CYCLED DONOR MARROW / CBD COLD CUTS / HYPEBEAST STORM WINDOWS / DIP, BUT IT'S CALLED SOMETHING ELSE NOW / NON-ESSENTIAL OILS / MENSTRUAL HATS )
and make sure it gets into the
( HANDS / HOMES / PAWS / HEARTS / POCKETS ) of
( RENTERS / SMALL BUSINESS OWNERS / TALENTLESS DESIGNERS / ANXIOUS BIRDS / STAY-AT-HOME ARSONISTS / CHILD MAYORS / CLINICALLY DEPRESSED MICE / DUDES YOU WORK WITH BUT THOUGHT WERE WAAAY OLDER FOR SOME REASON / PHARMA GOTHS / FINANCE CLERGY / PIGEONS THAT FLEW INTO THE SUBWAY / BOOKISH C.H.U.D.S / SEXUALLY ACTIVE GHOSTS )
just like you.